


Keep trying

by fridaysfun



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Canon Universe, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, SKAM - Freeform, Skam France - Freeform, elliot and lucas, elu - Freeform, skam fr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 07:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19923754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridaysfun/pseuds/fridaysfun
Summary: Elliot hasn't been feeling himself for a week and Lucas hurts, loves and helps.





	Keep trying

It’s been one week since Elliot started feeling like this. He started closing off, his eyes getting sadder and redder, the bags under his eyes getting bigger and bigger and he just knew. Both of them knew he was having an episode. He stayed in bed all week, skipping school and doing nothing other than eating every now and then. It was hard, both for Lucas and Elliot. Elliot because, the boy couldn’t control himself, his thoughts, his mood. He was used to silently crying for hours but he still blamed himself for everything, apologizing to Lucas more times than absolutely necessary. His heart was breaking, his mind was too loud, but he still didn’t want Lucas to be in the way.

It was also hard for Lucas. He could see how much it cost for Elliot to be like this and he hated the fact that he had to deal with such bad thoughts. He wanted him to smile, to laugh, to have fun with friends, to feel loved. Not to feel like a burden. That was the worst part. On one side, Elliot fought with himself not to be like this in front of Lucas and that’s why he kept pushing him away, didn’t let him touch or comfort him anymore. On the other side, Lucas was pushing because he wanted the other boy to know that he was there for him, that he could never, _ever_ , be a burden. Not to Lucas, not anymore.

To be honest, manic episodes were a bit better than the depressive ones. At least for Lucas. Elliot may have fallen into complete nonsense thoughts, doing things he would never do if he was in a good state of mind but he was still there. He still had Lucas by his side, he still fell next to him at night and cuddled him to sleep. Sure, this side of him was hard to deal with and it took Lucas everything to calm him down at times like this, but it made him feel _important_. It made him feel needed and loved because Elliot didn’t push him away and he needed his love and care and calming words to get back to him healthy and safe. So if you asked him, Lucas, yes, preferred manic episodes.

He came back from school today, the 7th day after Elliot’s depressive episode. He had checked up on him on his free period, getting a few reassuring texts back like _“I promise I feel much better today”_ , _“I ate Mika’s blueberry spiced yogurt, do you think he’ll mind?”_ , _“I love you, Lulu”_ and a bunch of emojis that made Lucas’ heart melt a bit more, feel a little less heavy.

Lucas got into the room, both excited and a bit scared to see Elliot. He was still in their shared couch (bed actually), laying there and just playing with his finger. The TV was off which meant he wasn’t in the mood to watch Netflix or his favourite, absolutely lame, comedic show. His eyes fell on Lucas stepped in the house and he could swear his smile got so wide his heart started racing.

“Hi,” Lucas greeted, giving him a toothy smile as he came closer.

“Hey,” Elliot’s voice was soft and gentle.

“How was your day? School was a pain in the ass, today” started Lucas and Elliot nodded understandingly.

“How did your bio test go?” Elliot asked and Lucas smiled because, _of course_ , he remembered.

It was still Elliot. It was still the loving Elliot he was in love with. Elliot who always listened to Lucas, who always comforted him when he needed it, who remembered to wish him good luck for every single one of his exams.

“I don’t know. Imane helped so I hope for the best,” he said cheekily and Elliot smiled, sitting up as Lucas did the same.

Lucas’ attention was caught by the half-eaten doughnut that was wrapped with a napkin on his nightstand. He was more than happy knowing he ate sugary stuff.

Elliot followed his gaze and smiled immediately when he noticed Lucas staring at the doughnut.

“Oh! I almost forgot. I kept what was left from this doughnut for you. It’s your favourite, chocolate flavoured with strawberry icing” he said with a huge smile as he handed the doughnut to Lucas.

Lucas continued staring at the doughnut in his hands, his heart breaking into little pieces. He just couldn’t understand. Elliot was in the worst state of mind, probably cried today while Lucas wasn’t even there to hold him but he still thought of him, kept a little of his food to share with him because he just _knew_ it was his favourite. And Lucas couldn’t understand because Elliot didn’t deserve to be in that place, he didn’t deserve feeling this way, he deserved all the love and care and happiness in the world, he deserved to be out and laugh and do all those things he cherished, he didn’t deserve to be on this bed, losing control over his own self.

“Lucas?” the voice kept the younger boy out of his thoughts as he looked up at him again, the doughnut still on his palm.

“Your hands are shaking a little,” Elliot noticed and moved his own hands to hold Lucas’, the touch soft and warm and everything both of them needed right now.

“I love you,” Lucas blurted out, not being able to hold the words back.

He stared into Elliot’s huge eyes lovingly and got the same reply back, even if the words weren’t spoken.

“Eat it,” he said, his smile so big and bright Lucas could forget the past one week in a second. And so he obeyed.

It was almost dark outside when they both laid in bed to sleep. Lucas had taken a shower, cooked some plain pasta for his roommates and himself (since Elliot didn’t want to eat but that’s okay because he was feeling better and that was a good start) and laid next to Elliot who was currently drawing a raccoon on a little paper.

“What are you drawing?”

“Hm, nothing in particular,” he said, making the sharp features of the raccoon’s face.

Lucas stayed silent then, not wanting to push Elliot more than he already did and sat back, his back on the bed’s headboard.

He stared at Elliot finishing up his raccoon for a long time before he heard him sigh dismissively. Before he could say anything, Elliot put the paper away, leaving it on the nightstand before he turned back to Lucas’ body completely.

“I’ll add the hedgehog tomorrow, right now I’ll have you instead” he whispered and let his face fall on Lucas’ belly, his hand wrapping around his waist, snuggling closer.

Lucas made himself more comfortable as he laid down completely and started running his fingers through the older boy’s hair. It was nice, and so needed he felt like he could finally breathe.

“Thank you,” Elliot broke the silence out of nowhere, making Lucas frown.

“What for?” he asked confused.

“I don’t know. For keeping up with me for another day I guess?” he half asked, hiding his face more into the warm chest.

“Don’t say that. You know I couldn’t live without you, not even for one day,” he said, not caring if it sounded dramatic because it was the truth.

Elliot fell into silence then, not knowing what to say. His brain screaming _you don’t have to, you deserve better, I’m not worth it._

 _“Elliot,”_ Lucas pushed.

“Talk to me, tell me what’s going on.”

He knew what he asked Elliot for wasn’t simple nor easy. He didn’t know how else he could show him that he was here for him but he had to try, he had to pressure Elliot for him to come back to him again, to open up.

“Nothing, really. It’s getting better, I promise,” he reassured him and Lucas nodded.

“I know it is, that’s not what I asked though.”

Elliot sighed, getting Lucas’ free hand on his own and playing with the gentle fingers, having something to focus on.

“I just was feeling much better yesterday. I took a shower while you were at Imane’s studying and I watched Netflix and even ate chicken with Mika. But then today, when you texted me I started feeling bad again” he confessed, his voice shaking a little.

Lucas remained confused, giving Elliot some time to collect his thoughts.

“Do you know why?” he asked, even if the question sounded stupid.

“It’s just,” the elder boy started.

“I felt bad because this episode lasted for a long time, it’s been a week and I hadn’t realized it until today. But then you texted me and showed for one more time how much you care. And that made me think again, that I’m not what you deserve,” he continued but sat up when Lucas was about to protest, stopping him.

“And I know we said minute by minute, and I know you’ll say that I deserve even more than you even if that’s not true but I just can’t help it. I can’t change myself but I just hate it when I can’t control it at all. I wished that, _maybe_ , after I had you with me, I could be able to control my episodes more and that they’d not last that long anymore. But I was fooled, I guess.”

Elliot remained silent after that and Lucas was left behind breathless, not knowing what to say, what to feel. Elliot didn’t deserve to feel this way and he most importantly didn’t have to blame himself for his episodes lasting for a long time. Lucas didn’t mind, of course, he didn’t. He wished, of course, that they’d last as less as possible, but he didn’t mind being there for Elliot for as long as he needed him to be.

“Elliot, will you listen to me for a minute?” he asked, his voice soft but sharp too.

He took Elliot’s hand in his own again and sat up, his gaze falling on his.

He gave him a tiny nod then and Lucas was more than satisfied with it.

“I love you, all of you, bipolar and all. That means that I don’t mind loving you when you’re feeling well, or when you’re having an episode, or when you’re feeling that you are not worth it. I’m here for the good and the bad,” he said, giving his hand a squeeze as he continued.

“And I never want to hear you blaming yourself again for your episodes. If you are not in control, then that’s okay. If it lasts for more than a week, or a month, you are not the one to stop it. It’s normal and it’s healthy and it’s most definitely not your fault. And even if you’re not in control, I’ll be here to wait for you to come back to me.”

Elliot could feel his tears picking up on his eyes again and he felt tired. He felt tired of crying, he felt tired of having Lucas seeing him cry. He didn’t deserve those words, he didn’t deserve Lucas but he couldn’t say that. Not when Lucas was staring into his eyes so caring, so lovingly. It was enough, he thought, it was enough having him next to him. And even if it was selfish, even if he didn’t deserve this, he couldn’t let Lucas slip off him. He’d do everything to keep him because without him, he would be out of control. And not because of an episode anymore.

“Don’t cry, baby” Lucas’ voice brought him back then, his warm palm wiping a tear off his cheek.

“I love you,” Elliot just said and wrapped his arms around Lucas’ shoulders, pulling him into a hug, even if it was selfish.

“I love you so much,” he said again and he hated himself for waiting for the words to be said back, even if it was selfish.

“I love you too,” and his heart ached, and raced, and it felt less heavy, even if it was selfish.

“Promise me you’ll try not to blame yourself for your episodes from now on,” Lucas spoke up and rubbed his strong back reassuringly.

And Elliot let out a broken sob then, his chest going up and down, but his heart beating so fast against Lucas’, his arms squeezing him.

“I promise,” he said because he believed it, because he wanted to try more, he wanted to try for Lucas, even if it was selfish.


End file.
